Once upon a time there lived this chic, whose facebook name was Snow White, with a king who looked like the fat guy from Borat for a dad. Their love was deeper than the Bermuda Triangle’s base. Oh, her mom’s cremated ashes were in an amphora vase above her dad’s throne.
When Snow White reached puberty, her dad started dating this hot Jamaican duchess. Before you could say MJ, they were wed and spent their honeymoon in Elgin, Scotland. Everyday they would shop in Marks & Spencer for lingerie and at Cashmere’s for jackets and sweaters.
The honeymoon over, they got back to Versailles where they were to live happily ever after.
However, the duchess was more of a pain in the ass than the guillotine on Marie Antoinette’s fair neck. The king was too engrossed in state matters to notice but poor Snow White was in trouble.
As it were, the queen had a magic mirror hauled over from the Hellenic Islands. She would arise everyday, do her toilette and walk to her closet when none of the ladies-a-waitin’ were looking. She would rap:
“Mirror mirror in di closet, who’s di bootyliciousest of dim ol?”
And the mirror would be promptly reply:
“Noble queen, in all di land, you’re the most boutilicious!”
So the days passed until the princess turned 18. As is biologically proven, all chics are super hot by 18. She was a definite cross between Beyonce, Megan Good and Mariah Carey. Every straight dude would check her out wherever she went.
One day, the Dark Queen in her chambers got quite the shock of her life when she got:
“Snow White, noble queen, has the most booty in all di land!”
So infuriated was the queen that she cancelled all her appointments with the salons, manicurists, a ball and several state dinners. She drove her Porsche to her apartment at the Petit Trianon where she spent days with her lawyers on how to get rid of Snow White.
The advice she got was to make herself prettier than Miss White.
Frustrated, she decided that the way forward to her vision would be to consult the black boy who grew into a white woman-Michael Jackson.
MJ recommended several plastic surgeons and very soon the queen got a boob job and an even bigger ass job. Considering she was from Jamaica (she somewhat resembled the big chic in the Church Heathen vid), the surgeon had one hell of a job. Most plastic surgeons make mountains out of mole hills but this particular surgeon made mountain ranges out of the queen’s mountains.
After the job, she walked to the mirror which still elected Snow White as the most desirable over 18 in the kingdom. The queen got the king to set up a commission to inquire into the mirror citing suspicions of rigging. When the commission favoured the mirror, the queen decided that the way out was to engage in Post-Election Violence.
She sent Snow White on a mission to Uganda and secretly made her guards swear they would chop her up using machetes until her booty was no more. However, the guards couldn’t let all that beauty go to waste. They kidnapped the princess and hid her in Migingo Island.
White tried calling her girlfriends but her phone battery was dead and considering the regular power outages in UG, she sold her phone and bought mascara. She trudged Migingo and came to a small cottage. On knocking, seven cute pygmies opened the door and admitted her into their humble abode.
They lived happily for a couple of months until one day the mirror sensed the presence of the Snow White’s particulate nature. The Queen was very ill at ease but soon, a quahogic idea revealed itself. Knowing White’s affiliation for food (which was the source of all that booty, after all), the treacherous Queen decided that she would warm her way into White’s heart through her tummy.
A delivery boy knocked on Snow White’s door. After he left, White sat down and opened the Pizza delivery. She gormandized the meal faster than a Kenyan on the tracks. Of course the meal would have been a waste without bottomless Coke.
When the pygmies came back home from playing dice with some bruthas from the hood, their big siz lay spangled on the floor. They had a premonition that she was dead…sob!
It was decided by a plebiscite that Snow White was too fly to cremate. An autopsy at Dr. Obwaka’s clinic was also out of the question. A glass casing was manufactured and Snow White put on display for the public.
Some years down the line, the perfect knight came a-driving in shining amour (he was just a regular guy, called Bob, with a spanking new Silver-plated Jaguar, hence the allusion). The pygmies had gone for Harry Potter 7’s premier so Bob opened the casing and gave Miss White one helluva of a French Kiss.
My dear reader can be sure that Snow White rose as if from the dead. She used the Jaguar-riders’ dough to hire the services of the best lawyer north of the Limpompo and south of the Sahara.
The hearing, the trial…the verdict-GUILTY. The queen was banished to Siberia to wash Rasputin’s feet to eternity. And, the classical ending….
Snow White married her Prince. And they lived happily ever after….
But, hey, hold on….